Learn to love again
by catherinegiusti
Summary: Jem Carstairs didn't became a Silent Brother and survived. He was devasted when Tessa left him for Will after the battle with Mortmain, is he totally broken or is he able to love again? Katerina Dawneye, a new guest of the Institute, is also trying to be happy again.
1. Chapter 1 - the arrival

**Hey readers! English isn't my first language, please tell me if I made any mistakes. I hope you enjoy my fic, all characters belong to Cassandra Clare.**

Jem Carstairs has suffered enough during his life. But after Tessa's betrayal, he tought he couldn't handle it anymore.

"Was it really a betrayal?"he tought. Tessa didn't knew that he was alive when she chose Will, but it left him disappointed. He blamed himself for not telling his parabatai before about his feelings for the girl with beautiful grey eyes. All this situation could have been avoided and he wouldn't be so broken at this moment.

When the yin fen stock finished, Jem tried to become a Silent Brother in order to avoid his soon death. The transformation was so painful that he had to stop the process. Luckily, he survived. After some days of recovering, he realized that didn't need the drug anymore. His body was freed from the substance that made his life so weak and fragile. The boy started to feel healthy again, and was happy to meet Tessa again after the battle with Mortmain. He could finally be confident about his future.

He waited on the Institute to make a surprise, nobody knew that he was fine because he was left alone with a Silent Brother, while the others were fighting.

James Carstairs remembered exactly the moment they arrived. Charlotte had looked at him with wide eyes, and then hugged him and cried. She had watched this boy growing up, and would be devasted witnessing his death. Jem loved her almost like a mother. She was so short that wet his shirt with her tears while hugging him. Then, Henry was being carried out of the carriage by Gabriel and Gideon when he saw him. Sophie and Cecily were also emotionated when they met him strong and alive, Sophie even cried.

So, the people he were most waiting to meet arrived. His beloved and his parabatai. But there was something wrong with them. Their expressions were at the same time surprised, happy and horrified. Of course, they were happy and surprised because they tought that Jem was dead, but why were they sad? He looked at their hands, clamped together. That's the reason James Carstairs is totally destroyed. He expected receiving his fiancée and being happy ever after with his new family, that happened to never start

Tessa wrapped her arms around him and would't let go of James for a long time.

Will and Tessa later explained themselves, and Tessa wanted to come back to his ex-fiancé. Will's expression was unforgettable. After all his suffering because of the false curse, he had finally found love, and Jem would't take it away from him, even if it hurts him.

He let the couple be happy together, and didn't regret it. Being good devasted James Carstairs. And now he is still kind, eventought depressed and miserable. Not even the violin delighted him anymore. Everything felt wrong, there was a missing piece in his puzzle. On the first week, he stayed all day in bed and Charlotte brought him food, that he refused. Even the Lightwood brothers tried to talk to him, inviting him to train.

When he got out of his bedroom, he walked numbly by the city. Hunting demons wasn't the same thing, even if it wasn't so dangerous anymore because he don't need the drug.

The parabatai bond was broken on the start of the transformation, but Will still acted like a brother and a loyal friend. Tessa still talked to him, always tried to cheer him up, even if he told them he was fine. Their wedding was coming soon, Jem could see them excited and smiling all the time, choosing the flowers, the music, their clothes and every other detail. Will's eyes were never so bright. The couple were so thankful for Jem, at least they were still friends.

Gideon and Sophie were also engaged. Jem was happy that Sophie found a soulmate, she had finally let go of her insecurities and didn't care about her scar and job anymore. She ascended and started her shadowhunter training.

One night, they were all sitting at the table on the Institute, having dinner. James smiled briefly when Will and Gabriel were picking on each other, Will was so protective of Cecily, his little sister that was now in love. He wondered, would he ever be able to fall in love again?

Suddenly, they heard a knock on the door. Charlotte got up and opened the door. She started talking to someone, but they couldn't see the person, only hear that it was a member of the Clave saying something about a new guest. Then, Charlotte went trought a corridor leading someone direct to the bedrooms area. James didn't see the face of the guest, only her long and wavy dark brown hair with light bottom.

When Charlotte came back to the dinning room, she was holding a letter. She opened and read it, and then said:

-Katerina Dawneye is our new guest. She will live her from now on because her parents were killed in a demonhunt. Well, now she must be asleep because she was tired after the travel, and will start her train tomorrow.

-Dawneye? Is her family from Idris? - Gideon asked

-Yes, her parents worked on the Clave. Do I need to ask you to be kind with her?

-Why do you look at me when you say that, Lottie? - asked Will

-Well, when I arrived you weren't so gentle at first. - said Jem, surprising everyone. He was always quiet.

-The same with me, - said Gabriel - loosing your parents is horrible, we should make her comfortable here.

-Yes, so she can make the Institute her new home, like I did. - said Jem


	2. Chapter 2

Katerina wasn't really good at meeting people, she wanted to stay locked in her new bedroom all day, but a servant woke her up and helped her with her dress. The maid wanted to put her hair up in a bun or a hairdo, but she prefered her hair down. She chose a dark blue gown with gold details.

In her way to breakfast, she felt nervous wondering how were the people that lived in the Institute, and hoped that Charlotte hadn't told them about her family's death. All the pity looks of the adults while the Clave made her transference made her constrained and irritated, she just wanted a new start.

Jem was sleepy during breakfast. He felt someone kicking lightly his foot, and then looked up, the new girl has arrived and was sitting next to Charlotte. Tessa was warning him that he was his time to introduce himself. He said his name and, for a second, she looked at him with a small smile and then started eating.

He noticed that Katerina didn't spoke during the meal and always kept her head down. Her skin was slightly tanned, her face had high cheekbones that seemed to be delicate and exotic at the same time and she had expressionless hazel eyes. James questioned himself if she was sad, and remembered that of course yes because her parents have just died. Once she caught him staring, and then came back to her food.

During the day, he got distracted by training and talking to Will that the time passed rather quickly. On the evening, Tessa visited him to recommend a book, and he tried his best to seem good. Her eyes were bright as usual, and every word on her lips were so fascinating, he wanted to kiss them so bad... After she left, he broke down in his bed and layed with his face on the pillow. Why does he just couldn't get over her? She didn't know that every second she spent with him was painful, Jem was starting to worry he couldn't handle it and one day would tell her the truth. He was thinking about traveling to far away from Britain, maybe back to his birthplace, he missed China so much, but facing the place where his parents were killed would be even more painful. He could almost hear his mother called him Jian.

He was staring at the ceiling for hours, when suddelny heard a low music. Looking at the clock, he realized that it was late at night, and remembered that nobody - except for him - played an instrument. Jem got up, still wearing cloathes (he didn't change to sleep), and followed the noise till the music room.

Katerina was playing "River flows on you - Yiruma" on the grand piano of the music room. She missed playing so much. Only at this time she could do it alone, without being interrupted. There were so many instruments for her to explore, she decided to do it on the following day because she started feeling sleepy. She also wanted to dance a little, her pointe shoes were inside her bag thrown on the floor next to the piano. The notes were so gentle and bland that she wanted to close her eyes, but also needed attention or she would play the keys wrong.

After opening the door slowly and almost soundlessly, James observed the girl playing in a so delicate way. Her concentrated eyes didn't leave the keys, and moving his eyes to the floor, he saw some kind of clothes inside a bag, like a tutu. Wait, do shadowhunters dance ballet? Of course he saw mundanes performing, he even played some ballet songs on his violin, but he never saw a ballerina Nephilim.

-Who's there? - she asked and turned

Jem noticed that he hadn't heard her voice before, it was feminine and low, different from Tessa's. No, he couldn't think about her again!

-It's me, James. - he said

-Did I wake you up? - she asked worried

-No, I wasn't sleeping. Um... That song you was playing, was it Yiruma's?

-Yes... Do you play the piano?

-No, the violin.

There were some seconds of silence and staring, before she asked:

-Do you know the song 'kiss the rain'?

-I think yes... I might have the sheet.

-How long do you play the violin? - she spoke shyly

-Since I was a kid. You probably too, don't you? You play very well.

-Thanks. - she said and looked down, smiling crookedly. - Would you mind showing me your music?

-No, it would be a pleasure. - he smiled and blushed - Would you like to meet me here tomorrow?

-Yes. It's late... I think I will go back to my room.

-Me too. So, how was your training?

-Pretty good, apart from that blue eyed boy that entered and started arguing with Gabriel, my tutor!

-Oh, it's Will, my parabatai. - actually, ex-parabatai Jem tought.

-He is funny, but God, how can you stand him?

-Hahahha it took years to get used...

-Good night. - Katerina said before entering her room

-Good night - said Jem


	3. Chapter 3

It was a rainy and cold day. Katerina woke up anxious to meet again the boy she talked to in the music room. When James arrived on the dining room, she noticed that by the Angel, he was handsome. Last night, because of the darkness in the music room, she didn't see his face properly: he had fair skin, beautiful and marked features, slightly curved dark eyes and his hair was mostly silver, but was growing black. It was odd, why would a young men have silver hair? Maybe he dyed it, she tought.

She observed the people of the Institute: some of them got along with each other and talked loudly, while others were more quiet and shy, but all seemed to be happy, except for one. Will and Tessa were clearly in love, he said beautiful things mixed with jokes, some of dark humor and others really stupid, but it was simply his personality. Tessa would roll her eyes and restrain him, but always smiled. Gabriel and Will picked a lot on each other, but he seemed to be a good boyfriend to Will's sister, Cecily, they went out a lot. Walking trough the city with a gentleman would be lovely for Katerina, but it would obviously be just a dream. She sighed lowly. Moving discretly her eyes to Gideon and Sophie, she notices their looks to each other, silent but meaningful. They were both quiet, but anyone that noticed their expressions would notice how much they loved each other. "Why was it so easy for them?" she tought, but didn't knew their past to perceive how much they have been trough. All the problems, difficulties and surprises...

The only one who seemed upset was Jem. He even forced some smiles when people talked to him, but he was expressionless again after some seconds. Katerina was curious and wanted to know about his past, what happened to his family (no one underage would run away and live with strangers unless something bad has happened) and the reason he is disconcerted.

During morning, Jem trained, and in the afternoon, he practiced violin. He wanted to play well to impress Katerina, and chose a lovely song by Bach. Even after their talk on the other day, she was still... Distant. During breakfast, she was deep in toughts, and didn't talk to him. Maybe she was still sad and grieving, he tought. He remembered being devasted after his parents' death and having no one to talk before he met Will. Well, she really needs company, being trough this alone is worst.

Gideon was also a good teacher, but in the start he was quiet and awkward. After half an hour, he spoke more frequently and gave more advice, Katerina tought that two shy people would get along better than one shy and the other talkative. While throwing knives, she remembered training with her father. He was really harsh, and sometimes flashbacks passed trough her eyes. She could almost hear him shouting to her...

-Are you ok? - Gideon asked, interrupting her flashback

-Yes, I was just thinking a little - she said, and they went back to train

After Gideon leaving, Katerina spent the next hour running, doing sit ups, push ups and other exercices to improve her fighting performance. She was exhausted and fell asleep the moment she sat on bed.

James was waiting for her. He stayed in the music room till midnight, so it was clear that she woudn't appear. It made him disappointed, and he went to bed.

Katerina woke up and realized that she was still wearing gear. She took a bath to relax and sleep again since it was almost 2 am, and suddenly remembered Jem. Oh no, she missed their... Date? No, they were only combining a moment to meet and talk, it wasn't really a date, but she felt bad for leaving him waiting. She dressed quickly and tought about facing him on breakfast. She would feel guilty and embarassed talking to him, so she decided to write a fire message:

'James,

Sorry for leaving you waiting. I fell asleep after training and only woke up now.

Katerina'

She received his answer some minutes after:

'No problem, I am still awake. How was your day? You seemed to be upset. If you'd like someone to talk to, I am here.

James

P.S.: you can call me Jem'

She smiled.

'Well, I am still recovering... You weren't smiling very much too, I wonder why, Jem.'

He frowned.

'Ladies first. If you'd like to tell me, of course.'

'Oh, don't start with this. To make it fair, you could start telling me about your childhood, for example. Where are you from?'

'I'm not sure if it's fair since I am the one who asked first hahaha but it's fine. I was born in China, my mother is chinese and my father was English. My chinese name is Ke Jian Ming, do you like it? My father tought me to play violin and I had some friends there. I enjoyed this years a lot.'

'It's a nice name. I remember my mother calling me Katrina or Trina when she spoke fast. I lived in Idris but was born in Australia, I don't really remember this country because I moved early. My parents were sometimes nice people but they were harsh on me, they used to fight a lot, that's why I _hate _when someone scream at me. I didn't really have friends, I was shy and they would make fun of me, but I wasn't a sad kid. I enjoyed walking trough the forest near my house and swimming in the river, I also danced ballet and played the piano for hours if they left me. How did you end up living in the Institute?'

Thinking about her early life made tears appear in Katerina's eyes. She wouldn't tell the details, it made her chest tighten.

'I'm sorry for your parents, I hated when mine fighted sometimes too. I lived in the Shangai Institute till my parents died. They killed a Greater Demon's offspring, and the demon, Yanluo, made his revenge. He hadn't only killed my parents, he injected me if demon poison and made me addicted to it. So, I moved to London and met Will, that was once my parabatai.'

'I'm sorry for what happened to you, I shouldn't have asked about this. I won't intrude again.'

'Don't worry, we are all made of good and bad things, some people hide those moments, but it's simply the truth. If you still would like to talk, I would be glad to know more about you.'

'I have a question, why is your hair silver? Is it linked to demon poison?'

'Yes, I spent years addicted to yin fen, so it made my skin pale and my hair and eyes gray. When I was almost dying from lack of it, some months ago, the Silent Brothers started the ritual to transform me in one of them, this way I wouldn't die, but it was so painful that they had to stop. The parabatai bond was broken in the start of the transformation, but Will is still like a brother to me. When I recovered, surprisingly I didn't need the poison anymore, and my eyes are now normal and my hair is growing black again.'

'By the Angel, this is a incredible story! How much have you been trough! So it means that you are healthy again?'

Jem revied all his life talking to Katerina. It made him reflect and feel stronger, he wouldn't waste all this time strugling because of love deceptions. There is so much more to do, he decided to move on and be happy again.

'Perfectly. How were you living in this past years?'

'My parents started to talk about marriage when I turned 15, and this year when I turned 16 they started looking for a suitor. By the Angel, arranged marriages were common fifty years ago for shadowhunters! Today, only mundanes do it. At this age, I was only thinking about baking cakes and traveling.

'Well, I would never imagine myself marrying some stranger. It would be awful. And, baking cakes? Do you like cooking?'

'I try to hahah. When my parents died, I was destroyed, they weren't very good parents but they raised me, and I was alone in this enormous planet. At least I am free, if I married some man I would be locked at home today, I want to travel trought the world and never be stuck with someone.'

'That's an interesting point of view. If you could travel this moment, what country would you go first?'

'I have no idea. There is one place I wouldn't die without visiting, but don't need to be the first: Australia. I want to know my real home.'

'Your home? But you didn't live there, did you?'

'Not really, but it's my birthplace, where I belong. What's the definition of home to you?'

'For me, home is where I am alone with the people I love. The Institute is my home, here I have my life and I am surrounded by people like Charlotte and Henry, that treat me like their son, and of course, Will.'

'I like this meaning. Maybe one day I can find a home.'

'I hope you do. But you don't find a home, you create one. Would you like to meet me in the music room tomorrow, the same time?'

'That would be great, this time I won't fell asleep. Good night, Jem.'

'Good night, Katrina.'

**Autor Note: thanks for reading! Please tell me if I made any mistakes, I try my best to improve my English! Anyone speak Portuguese here? Thanks for the reviews xx**


End file.
